Coping With a Difficult Relationship With Your Son- or Daughter- In-Law

Watching your adult child fall in love and marry can be a deeply meaningful milestone. As a parent, you want your child to be happy and well-supported. But what if their choice of partner creates tension for you? Many parents find themselves struggling with a son- or daughter-in-law with whom it feels difficult to connect.

These situations can bring up powerful emotions: grief over changes in the parent–child relationship, frustration when communication feels blocked, or sadness about feeling excluded. It can be painful to adjust when what was once a close bond with your child suddenly feels more distant.

Here are a few perspectives that can help you navigate these challenges:

Stay curious.  Go beyond simply inviting the in-law to family functions. Really spend some time getting to know and understand them. Even if your relationship with your in-law has been strained, consider approaching them with openness. Small gestures of interest — asking about their experiences, values, or how they’ve adjusted to joining your family — can reduce tension over time.

Clarify communication. Miscommunication can quickly create conflict. Talk with your child and their spouse about how they prefer to share information. Group messages, direct contact, one person being the go-between, or a combination can all work. In some families, communication is also used to control or exclude, whether intentionally or unintentionally. When that happens, group communication may help reduce misunderstandings.

Practice self-regulation.  When you feel criticized, dismissed, or shut out, it’s natural to react strongly. Yet escalating conflict rarely helps. Even if you believe you are being intentionally sidelined or attacked, it’s important to stay composed.  Taking a pause, practicing calming strategies, or choosing to step away from heated topics can protect the relationship in the long run. If you do lose your cool, a sincere apology helps repair trust.

Avoid villainizing the in-law. It may feel easy to see the in-law as the source of the problem, especially if your child’s attention has shifted.  But adult children make their own choices in relationships, and sometimes that choice creates distance with you. Recognizing that accountability is shared can reduce resentment. Important note: If you suspect your child is being isolated or controlled due to abuse, reach out for professional guidance.

Keep the door open.  Even when the in-law relationship is difficult, you can remain a supportive presence for your child. Let them know you’re available for connection and care, without asking them to choose sides. Listening without criticism when they share frustrations about their partner can strengthen your bond. For example: “That sounds hard. I’m here to listen and support you, and I hope things improve.”

Family relationships are complex and ever-evolving, and when in-law tensions arise, they can stir up deep feelings of loss, anger, or helplessness. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, therapy can provide a space to sort through those emotions, strengthen boundaries, and discover new ways of relating that preserve your well-being — and your connection with your child.