We Can’t All Be Demi Moore: Why Your Caregiving Experience Looks Different

“I lost my patience again.”

“I just wake up every day with a weight on me.”

“I should be treasuring this time we have, but I actually hate it.”

“I guess I’m not as caring as I thought I was.”

In my 25 years working with family caregivers, only a handful have told me they feel they’re doing an excellent job. Every day, Americans generously provide 135 million hours of care — and yet so many of them feel they’re providing sub-par service. Why?

One likely reason is the popular portrayal of the Perfect Caregiver in media and the arts. The Perfect Caregiver is knowledgeable and patient. Intuitive and attentive. She finds creative ways to bring fulfillment to her care recipient, somehow manages to be selfless in her giving while still “taking time for herself,” and naturally, looks stunning while doing all of it. In short, she’s Demi Moore: posting charming videos dancing with Bruce Willis, modeling patience and wisdom about “meeting him where he’s at,” expressing gratitude for the lessons she’s learning. Isn’t that what good caregiving looks like?

Comparing the reality of your own caregiving (warts, tough days, and all), with the snapshot versions we see on TV or glimpse in social settings is a recipe for low morale. No two caregiving situations are alike, and measuring yourself against someone else’s will always be unfair and inaccurate. If caregiving feels harder for you than it seems to for other people, here are a few reasons why that might be true.

Care recipient needs are different

Are the needs short-term, like recovery after a hip replacement, or progressive and permanent, like Parkinson’s disease or late-stage cancer? Maybe your care recipient needs a ride to the doctor once a month. Maybe they need constant supervision. Maybe they’re calm and appreciative of your help — or maybe dementia has made them paranoid and argumentative.

The amount of physical, emotional, and mental work called for in your situation may simply be harder than someone else’s. And “harder” is completely subjective; there’s no hierarchy of which tasks are more difficult than others. You may have no problem helping with toileting, but feel overwhelmed by financial management. Another caregiver may have the exact opposite reaction.

Caregivers are different

Have you ever watched someone at work and thought, “I could never do that job”? A skyscraper window-washer. An animal dentist. A middle-school math teacher. We all have different aptitudes that make us more or less suited to a given role. Why should caregiving be any different?

Caregiving calls on physical strength, emotional intuition, organization, flexibility, and patience. It’s entirely possible that some of those aren’t your natural strengths. Can you still get the job done? Absolutely. Will you find it more challenging than someone whose strengths line up differently? Also yes. That doesn’t mean you’re deficient, it just means your strengths probably lie elsewhere.

Resources are different

A lack of time, money, or social support will inevitably make caregiving harder. More financial resources might mean help with hands-on care, or the ability to outsource other household tasks. More time means that one person isn’t stretched thin across competing demands. And a strong social support system can offer respite, a rotation of helping hands, or simply a shoulder to cry on. A caregiver with fewer resources has fewer choices — and often carries the full weight of the responsibility alone.

Relationships are different

In my experience as a therapist, one of the biggest factors in how hard caregiving feels is the pre-existing quality of the relationship between caregiver and care recipient. When doing this hard work, caregivers often draw on a deep well of love, respect, and years of reciprocity to help carry the load. In relationships marked by a history of conflict, neglect, substance abuse, or emotional distance, that well has run dry. 

The perceived weight of caregiving can be lighter when you are caring for someone who has been the love of your life, a devoted parent, or a best friend. However, it can be tougher if years of resentment or conflict or pain lie between you and the care recipient. Caregiving is still possible, and can still be meaningful — but the emotional labor to work through this will be heavier.

It’s okay to be a struggling caregiver

Even the most photogenic celebrity caregiver almost certainly has days where she feels humbled by it all —we just don’t see those. Same goes with the everyday caregivers you may see around town, who seem to be doing it so much better than you. Drop the comparisons, and focus instead on what’s actually needed in your situation. Chances are, you’re doing a better job than you’re giving yourself credit for.

And if you need help figuring out what that looks like, consider talking with a therapist who has experience working with family caregivers — someone who can help you find your own footing, instead of someone else’s.